Reviled Hearts
by Lamia of the Dark
Summary: Drabble collection for the HPFC 335 Pairing Bonanza Challenge. Will contain crack, fluff, and maybe a bit of actual romance. Some of them are family/friendship based.
1. Pretty Kitty

**DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling.**

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Who's a pretty kitty? Yes, you are. Yes, you are!"

Mrs. Norris meowed pitifully as Percy Weasley buried his face in her fur and nuzzled her mercilessly.

She tried to scratch him but he had used a keep-claws-retracted curse on her when he'd caught her.

"Pretty... wait, what am I doing?"

Percy abruptly dropped the cat as he came back to his senses. Mrs. Norris promptly scurried off to fetch her master so that she could avenge the indignity that had been visited upon her by the horrible child.

"Oh, I am going to _kill_ Fred and George for using me as a test subject for their experimental love potions!"

~ end ~

**A/N:** Stay tuned for 334 more odd pairings!


	2. Flash Fire Savior

~ Reviled Hearts ~

They don't talk about the cave. They don't ever talk about the cave. They never, never, never talk about the cave.

What happened in the cave is too terrible to even think about... so, most of the time, Amy doesn't think about it. When she can't stop herself from thinking about it (for example, in the middle of a nightmare - _and oh, yes, there are nightmares, so many nightmares_), something came to save her... something red and shiny, in a flash of fire...

"Don't cry," she says to him in the dream.

But he does.

The one who does not cry, either dreaming or awake, is her.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Yes, I am aware of the inconsistent tense. I thought a stream-of-conscious style suited the character/situation.

Stay tuned for 333 more odd pairings!


	3. Whomping

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Hagrid was known for his love of animals. Cute animals, not so cute animals, dangerous animals, monster "animals"...

He did not usually have much regard for plants. However, there _was_ one plant that captured his interest.

The half-giant giggled like a tickled child as he tossed another pumpkin at the Whomping Willow and watched the whipping branches whomp it to smithereens. Pumpkin juice splattered his face and he would later have to spend a great deal of time picking pumpkin guts and seeds out of his beard, but somehow he could not bring himself to care about that at this moment.

"You know," he whispered to the willow in a conspiratorial tone, "I don't like a lot of trees, but you - you're my favorite tree."

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 332 more odd pairings!


	4. Cold Comfort

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"My brain is melting," Draco grumbled, rubbing his temples in a vain attempt to alleviate his headache.

"Been taking Occlumency lessons from Bellatrix?" Rodolphus asked him, smirking.

"Yeah..."

"Aww, poor baby." He sounded entirely sympathetic and not at all sarcastic.

Not quite unexpectedly, Draco collapsed into his uncle's arms and wept. The invasion of his mind had left him emotionally overwrought and a sympathetic presence was enough to send him over the edge.

Rodolphus awkwardly hugged his nephew, unsure how to comfort the boy.

"I don't want to learn Occlumency anymore," Draco sobbed.

Rodolphus chuckled. "I know it doesn't feel good, but you'll learn faster if she's rough on you."

"Did she teach you it?"

"Yes," Rodolphus replied, ignoring the urge to correct Draco's grammar. "Although," he conceded, "It probably wasn't as bad for me as it was for you because she already knew all of my secrets."

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 331 more odd pairings!


	5. Fan Mail

~ Reviled Hearts ~

My dearest Pyotr Vulchanov,

You truly are one of the best Beaters that any Quidditch team has ever seen, and watching you in the World Cup match was simply amazing. Simply amazing! (Even though your team lost the match... and really, what was that ridiculous Krum thinking, catching the Snitch when your team was down by so many points? Terrible! Should have been thrown off the team, in my humble opinion.)

Anyway, I have been following your career for years now, and let me just say that watching you play in person was absolutely magical - _Absolutely. Magical_. I only hope that I have the chance to do so again in the future.

With much love from your biggest fan,  
Dolores Jane Umbridge

~ end ~

**A/N: **Good lord, that was difficult to write. Trying to get into Umbridge's mind... ick.

Stay tuned for 330 more odd pairings!


	6. Dear Dolores

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Dear Dolores,

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I have been very busy and I am not so good at the English language. (In fact, I am having a translator write this down for me, so hopefully he does not bungle the translation too badly. Ha ha.)

I enjoyed your letters very much. (Especially since most of the fan mail my team receives is addressed either to the entire team or directly to Krum. Seekers get all the glory...)

I miss hearing from you, but I have heard that life with a newborn can be very difficult, especially on a single parent. I can't imagine how much more difficult a baby centaur must be to deal with than a normal wizard baby, even with the magic.

Please write when you can.

Sincerely,  
Pyotr Vulchanov

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 329 more odd pairings!


	7. Where Do You Go When You're Lonely?

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Harry Potter wanted nothing to do with the house at 12 Grimmauld Place after Sirius's death. So, after the war, when the Order of the Phoenix no longer needed a secret headquarters, looking after the place somehow fell into Andromeda's realm of responsibility.

That wasn't to say that the House Elf which belonged to the property was not doing his job. In fact, he did his job very well. The house was always spotless, and he could have a meal ready for any visitors within minutes of their arrival.

However, there was one duty the House Elf was unable to perform, and that was to provide adequate companionship for the house's _other_ remaining resident.

Buckbeak the Hippogriff had been very lonely since Sirius died and Harry stopped visiting.

Andromeda had also been lonely since losing her husband, so lonely...

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 328 more odd pairings!


	8. Mission: Interrupted

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Hmm, whose cat is this?" Flora Carrow wondered as the unfamiliar orange creature slunk past her. "Here kitty! Here, kitty kitty..." she called, reaching out toward it.

The cat's ears perked and he stopped in his tracks and turned his head to look at the young witch.

"Kitty..." she called again, a bit more hesitantly this time.

There was something odd about this cat, something unsettling about its gaze...

"Meow," went Crookshanks.

Flora jumped, started. For such a fluffy thing, he had a surprisingly deep voice.

"Come here, cute kitty!"

She lunged for him and scooped him up into her arms.

Crookshanks reluctantly allowed himself to be cuddled. The girl might be a Slytherin, but she was up to nothing more evil than picking up cats that did not belong to her.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 327 more odd pairings!


	9. Yo Mama So Giant

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Your mum is so fat, her Patronus is a cake!"

Peeves cackled and waited for Hagrid to respond.

"Cake isn't an animal."

That wasn't the response Peeves was hoping for. He decided to try again.

"Your mum is fat, when she sits around the castle, she really sits _around_ the castle."

Hagrid just stared at the Poltergeist.

Peeves was desperate now.

"Your mum is so fat, even Xenophilius Lovegood can't believe it!"

Hagrid sighed. "Okay, yes, my mother is large. Can you leave me alone now? I'm trying to get things done, here..."

~ end ~

**A/N: **I got Peeves/Fridwulfa as one of my pairings, and I couldn't think of a way to actually get the two of them into the same airspace, so we have this.

Stay tuned for 326 more odd pairings!


	10. Definitely Blackmail

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Hey," Ron said quietly, poking Hermione in the shoulder.

"What?" Hermione hissed, knocking his hand away.

"Did you notice anything really weird when we were in the Lestranges' vault?"

"If you have something you want to talk about, Ronald, please just say it instead of trying to get me to guess what you mean..."

"Okay, fine..." Ron replied, a slight blush creeping into his cheeks as he went on, "I saw a stack of _Playwitch_ magazines in there, but they were all the same issue. Most of them still had the protective covering on, even."

"That does sound odd... I wonder why they would store those there. Did you happen to see and make a note of which issue it was, by any chance?"

"Yeah... December 1976."

It took her a few days, but Hermione managed to track down a copy of the issue in question.

"Oh, you found it!" Ron cried out in glee when he saw what she was carrying. "So, what's the big deal with that issue?"

Wordlessly, Hermione flipped the magazine open to a certain page and handed it over. Ron took it from her and glanced down at the page, where a very naked 17-year-old Sirius Black grinned and winked at up at him from the magazine's centerfold.

Ron quickly slammed the magazine shut.

"So, you think she kept these to use as blackmail?"

"Well, that... or she was getting off on looking at them..."

~ end ~

**A/N:** Ron and Hermione are just the messengers, pairing is Bella/Sirius.

Stay tuned for 325 more odd pairings!


	11. Scribbles

~ Reviled Hearts ~

One of Lockhart's second-year students approached the professor's desk as the other students hurried to leave.

"Um, professor..." the girl began hesitantly. "I, uh... I uh..."

"Yes? Is there something I can help you with, Miss Bulstrode?" Gilderoy asked, flashing her a ridiculously charming smile.

"I, uh... I, uh... that is, when I turned in my homework, I kind of accidentally, uh, also, um, there was a page of notes for one of, uh, my other classes, kind of, um, stuck to the back of it, I think..." She trailed off and looked at him anxiously.

"Of course, of course," he replied offhandedly, sifting through the pile of homework papers on his desk. "We'll get you sorted out straight away. Ah, here it is."

There was indeed another piece of parchment stuck to the back of Millicent's homework, which Gilderoy peeled off without too much trouble (although there was one spot in the corner where dried ink held them together). He handed the second sheet back to her without so much as glancing at it, for which she was grateful.

After the student had fled the classroom, Gilderoy allowed his curiosity to get the better of him and turned her homework paper over. There on the back, was an impression of the writing from the other paper, backwards. Even backwards, he could recognize his own name, and he held up the back of the paper in front of a mirror in order to read it.

The notes looked like history of magic, an extremely boring subject... which was probably why the girl had amused herself in that class by scrawling_ Mrs. Millicent Lockhart_ over and over in the margins.

~ end ~

**A/N:** Stay tuned for 324 more odd pairings!


	12. Very Romance

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Wow. Such a romantic story.

So Susan Bones and Elphias Doge. Wow.

Such Valentine's Day.

Very red colored. Many hearts.

Much Cupid. Wow. So arrow.

Wow.

Much romance.

Such old man, so young witch.

Wow.

Very beautiful wedding. Many guests, such fun, very happy, much confetti. Wow.

Pretty bridesmaids. Much wine. Such party. Wow. Very celebration.

Wow.

Such wedding night. Wow, so awkward. Such pain.

Very sorry husband. Much forgiving wife.

Wow.

So honeymoon. Such lingerie. Much babymaking. Wow. Such stamina.

Very exhausted.

Wow.

So heart attack. Such panic. Wow.

Very sad. Wow. Many tears.

Such widow. Wow. Very suicide.

Wow.

So love.

~ end ~

**A/N: **And now you know just how far I will go for a pun. (The whole thing is written in "super shibe" AKA _doge meme_ style.)

Stay tuned for 323 more odd pairings!


	13. Blank Stare

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Crabbe, you've been staring at the same page in that Quidditch magazine forever," Draco Malfoy observed irritably. "Even with your deplorable reading skills, you _must_ have finished that page by now."

Vincent only grunted in reply. There was no real point in trying to explain things to Malfoy, especially when he would make fun of your real explanation more than whatever false one he'd thought up for himself.

"And besides," Draco continued to gripe, "it's not like _studying_ is going to help your playing any. Not any more good that in does on your schoolwork, I should think..."

Again, Vincent only replied with a grunt. If Malfoy was going to treat him like a trained monkey, then he figured it would do no harm to respond like one.

And there was no way that he would admit that the reason he'd just spent over an hour staring at the same page of a magazine was because there was an article about the Holyhead Harpies in it and he had a massive crush on Gwenog Jones and was watching her picture.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 322 more odd pairings!


	14. Tiny Men

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Tom Riddle Senior (not that he knew there was a Junior impending) was so relieved to finally be away from the crazy witch and whatever magic she'd used to enslave him. that even though the rest of his life seemed to have gone to pieces in his absence (or perhaps _because_ of exactly that), he decided that now would be an excellent time for him to take an extended vacation.

Hiking in the mountains sounded good. Communing with nature, clearing his troubled mind... Yes, that sounded like just the thing.

Unfortunately for him, the mountain range he chose just so happened to house a colony of giants, and the giantess Fridwulfa had a fetish for tiny men.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 321 more odd pairings!


	15. My Kingdom For An Owl

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Lisa Turpin got up early on Saturday morning and hurried to the owlery. She had to get there before all the school owls were taken, if she wanted to get her letter mailed today. As she climbed the spiral staircase that led to the tower where the owls were kept, she grumbled under her breath about her parents being stingy for not getting her an owl of her own.

She thought she'd gotten up early enough, but the room was crowded with students who all had things to mail, and it looked like the only ones left were other students' personal owls.

Lisa sighed and stuffed the letter into her robes. She would just have to try again tomorrow, she supposed...

As she turned to leave, a soft hoot drew her attention. Lisa turned her head toward the sound and found a pure white owl staring at her.

_Ooh, pretty owl_.

Hedwig hooted again.

_Hey, isn't this Harry Potter's owl?_

She looked around, and saw the Golden Trio trying to get the Weasley family owl to take off. The poor creature kept flopping over on the windowsill instead...

"Hey, Potter!" she shouted on impulse. Harry's head jerked up and when he saw who was calling him, he gave a weak smile and waved. She had no idea whether he knew who she was or not, since they were in the same year but different houses. _Oh, well. It's worth a shot_, she decided, and called out, "Can I borrow your owl?"

"Huh?" Harry responded distractedly, still trying to get the floppy brown owl to take off. "Oh, uh... sure, go ahead."

"Pretty owl," Lisa murmured to Hedwig as she attached the letter to the owl's leg.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 320 more odd pairings!


	16. It Hungers For His Flesh

~ Reviled Hearts ~

From deep beneath the stone, it hears the screams of a tasty creature. Magical creatures taste much better than the rats and other vermin that make their way into its lair.

It is so hungry. It never gets enough to eat now that its master is gone and it is trapped in the chamber. Every month it hears the echo of the distant screams, and it hungers for the creature that makes them.

And then, for a long time, there are no screams. It wonders what happened to the were-beast that it so desires to devour.

Later, much later, when it is free once more, it searches for the tasty creature... but he is not here.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 319 more odd pairings!


	17. Love Hopping

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Thank you, Augusta, the tea was lovely," Griselda Marchbanks said to her friend. "I would love to stay longer, but I really must be on my way."

"Yes, yes, it was lovely having you here," Augusta Longbottom replied. "Same time next week?"

Griselda nodded her assent and turned to leave.

"Neville," Augusta hissed, prodding her grandson with a bony elbow. "Where are your manners, boy? Walk our guest to the door!"

Neville, who had been surreptitiously looking for his lost toad, startled to attention and hurried to do the old witch's bidding with a sullen mutter of, "Yes, Gran."

Griselda was halfway home when she hear a loud croak from her handbag. Frowning, she opened it and peered inside.

Trevor the toad gave another happy croak and hopped from the inside of the handbag onto the top of Griselda's head.

"Oh, _dear_," she said aloud, as she plucked the creature from her hair. "You belong to Augusta's grandson don't you?"

Trevor remained silent.

Griselda sighed. "Well, I really don't have time to take you all the way back to your home today. I'm certain Augusta would insist I stay for dinner if I did, and I simply do not have _time_. So much to be done... Say, how would you like to be carried by an owl?"

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 318 more odd pairings!


	18. Stray

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank, the sometimes-substitute-teacher for the subject of Care of Magical Creatures, was a woman who loved animals, and not merely magical ones. Stray cats often gathered around her doorstep, knowing she would feed them and let them inside to warm themselves by the fire, but not try to "keep" them. They were wild cats, thank you very much, they just liked a convenient meal and the luxury of relaxing inside a house once in a while...

The stray dog was a surprise, however.

This was a civilized area, and while wandering cats were not uncommon, wild dogs were almost unheard of around here.

The large, black, scruffy dog sat among the crowd of milling cats, and calmly offered up his right front paw to shake.

She stepped back from the doorway and the cats streamed inside, as usual, but the dog stayed where he was, waiting with his head cocked to one side and his paw still waving about in the air. She wondered if he had once been someone's pet.

"Well, come in," Wilhelmina said, waving him on impatiently.

The cats eventually trailed back outside, as they always did. The dog curled up on the rug in front of the fire and went to sleep. He was still there the next morning.

"I think I'll call you Snuffles. Do you want to go for a walk, Snuffles?"

_Woof_.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 317 more odd pairings!


	19. Caught

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"Hey," Sirius hissed to his three friends. "Come here. Look what I caught!"

"What is it?" Peter asked, bouncing on his toes, barely able to contain his excitement.

Sirius grinned and held out the wriggling creature.

Remus inquired uncertainly, "Is that...?"

"It's Malfoy's house elf!" Sirius answered, his eyes shining with evil glee.

"Excellent," James said. "What should we do with it?"

"Let it go right now," Remus said, grabbing Sirius's arm. "We are not tormenting a house elf!"

"Aw, calm down, Moony," James wheedled. "We're not going to _torment_ it. We're just going to play with it a little!"

Dobby had never been so grateful for the magic that bound him to his master's will as he was in the moment when he was called away as the Marauders squabbled amongst themselves over the unfortunate elf's fate.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 316 more odd pairings!


	20. Mouse Butt

**A/N: This one is also for the HPFC Fifty Photos Challenge.**

~ Reviled Hearts ~

"I've been wondering something, dear," Elphinstone Urquart said to his wife one evening over dinner.

"And what would that be?" she inquired, with an air of mild interest.

"How do field mice taste?" he asked.

"And why would you think that I would know a thing like that?" she snapped, her formerly ambivalent mood taking a decidedly negative turn.

"Well, you _are_ a cat, dear... at least, part of the time..."

"I have never eaten a mouse!" Her indignant declaration was accompanied by a symphony of rattling dishes as she slammed her fist on the table to punctuate her anger.

That night, Elphinstone found himself sleeping alone. He had no idea why Minerva had gotten so bent out of shape over that one question. Yes, it had been a stupid thing to ask, but he had honestly been curious...

When he woke up the next morning, he opened his eyes to the sight of a dead mouse on the pillow beside his head.

"There you go. I spent half the night stalking the thing for you, since you wanted to know how they taste. It was quite difficult to catch, you know. I may transform into a cat, but that doesn't mean the form comes with the animal's instincts."

Elphinstone, finding himself in the position of a husband on the wrong side of an argument, resigned himself to having to either apologize or eat the mouse. He wasn't sure which option would be worse...

~ end ~

**A/N:** Bah. Elphinstone is a character who is technically canon but was only mentioned by JKR outside of the actual books... Also his name was spelled wrong in the pairings list, so I had a hell of a time finding his info in the HP wiki.

Stay tuned for 315 more odd pairings!


	21. Inauspicious

**This chapter is also for the HPFC How Many Ways challenge.**

~ Reviled Hearts ~

I don't usually come down to the Great Hall for meals. Sitting at the staff table and attempting to make conversation with my "peers" is not something I enjoy. The other teachers don't take me seriously. (Well, other than Dumbledore, of course. One positive presence amidst a sea of hostility is not enough reason to leave my tower, though.)

Today, however, is different. I feel a new energy, bright and radiant, one that draws me in...

There is a new face at the staff table - a substitute teacher for the Care of Magical Creatures classes. Unlike the rest of my colleagues, she seems pleased to speak with me.

"Will you read my future?" she asks, in all seriousness.

I happily comply, always eager to practice my art. When her fortune becomes clear, however, I can't bring myself to speak it aloud.

I was hoping for a happy outcome, for once, but all omens point to death.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 314 more odd pairings!


	22. Memento

~ Reviled Hearts ~

It is an odd thing to be comforted by his brother's final sight.

The shot is oddly angled and slightly out of focus, but taking pictures was second nature to Colin - as he fell, his fingers instinctively went to the camera hanging around his neck, and found the button. The shutter clicked, capturing the scene before him.

Dennis stares at the photograph. Even if it is not perfectly focused or centered within its borders, the picture is amazing in its own way. The figures contained within are blurry, constantly in motion as they cycle through the same few spells over and over again. Bellatrix Lestrange is caught in profile, lips moving as she shouts curses at her three opponents - who are smaller and more toward the background of the photo - and despite everything, when he is looking at his brother's final sight, he can't help thinking she is beautiful.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 313 more odd pairings!


	23. Charmed

~ Reviled Hearts ~

Andromeda Tonks never intended to cheat on her husband. Ted was a wonderful man and she loved him dearly. He was a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to their daughter. He was smart and kind... and, yes, she had to admit that he was rather plain and not particularly proficient at romantic gestures.

Andromeda never wanted to cheat in her husband, but when she read a series of popular books she fell a little bit in love with the main character - who also happened to be a real person.

Andromeda never planned to cheat on her husband, but when she met Gilderoy Lockhart in person and the handsome hero flashed her his most charming smile and offered her a kiss, she found herself unable to resist.

~ end ~

**A/N: **Stay tuned for 312 more odd pairings!


End file.
